Soul Doubt: My First Big Nicotine Feen!

Thursday, October 25, 2007

My First Big Nicotine Feen!

I'm now on Day 25 of not smoking. Which I must say I'm pretty damn proud of myself for. After all, I'd done it before, true- but the decision was made for me (read: I was in jail, so I couldn't smoke). Being out in the real world, subject to all the glorious smells and sights and sounds, is wonderful.... except when some of them make me feen for a smoke.

Like the other day. Jameson and I were getting ready to go into Target, so I was strapping on the little front pack I wear him around in when we're doing stuff like that (he loves it, it's his favorite mode of transportation- it's absolutely adorable, too). Now, I've been noticing my ability to smell and taste have been improving, which normally is a good thing. Not in this case. I caught a full-fledged gust of smoke from some lady walking down the lot puffing away, and it smelled SO pungent and sweet and good, bringing with it all the positive associations I attach to smoking... I swear I was this close to running over there and asking her if I could get one of those from her, it had me wanting one so bad. AHHH!!! My first all-out craving. Here I thought I was doing just marvelously, beating this habit no sweat, then with the first good whiff of smoke I catch, it all goes out the window and I might as well be a crackhead jonesing for a hit.

But.... at least I didn't act on it. I gritted my teeth, told my son what I was experiencing (in a silly little sing-song voice which he seems to enjoy but I hope nobody overheard: "Mommy wants a ciggy-butt/ Mommy thinks she's going nuts!/ Give your Mama a nice big hug/ And help her squish that ciggybug!") Then I took a couple deep breaths, reminded myself I'd be throwing away all that hard work of getting to this point now even if I only took one single drag, and just... carried on. I mean, what else is there to do?

It's kinda nice having been in so many treatment centers and programs over the years when I was battling my other addictions, because really, the same tools can be applied to just about any problem one has. I'm a big subscriber to the "Take what you want and leave the rest" theory. Especially when it comes to 12-step programs. I think they're awesome; they're serving a very necessary purpose and giving alot of people who had just flat given up a whole new lease on life, and a method to overcome their addictions. But along with that, at least for me, came a whole lot of unnecessary crap. And unfortunately, I think quite a few newcomers pick up on that as well, and it turns them off to the whole program. When all they need to do is use that theory- listening to whatever's being said (or reading it), and applying the things they can relate to to their life, and tuning out what they can't. And if you do this extensively, picking up bits and pieces from maybe your church, your counselor, AA/NA, a self-help book or two- you end up (at least I have) with a workable mish-mash of recovery tools, theories, mottoes, ways to prevent relapse, and are able to incorporate anything new or valuable into it whenever you come across it. It's great, and seems to be working just as well for my quitting smoking as it did (has, rather- can't talk past-tense about addiction) for my drug use.

Life is pretty darn good for me these days. One day at a time.


  1. Congrats!

    I saw you at the Hayden Post Office the other day with your baby. You were headed out while I was in line and I didn't feel like shouting over everyone's head, "Hi Kendra!" Maybe next time. :)

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