My First Ever- and Likely Last- Political Commentary here on SoulDoubt

Okay, this about sums up how I feel about the clownish claptrap circulating via forums, blogs, mainstream media, all those silly ads... it's all a bunch of sound-bites (bytes?) that the thinking American- admittedly the minority- could give two shits and a damn about. Unfortunately, the other end of the spectrum are going to be brought around (if, in fact, they even bother to vote) by what their buddies/spouses/bosses think; by which candidate has the coolest hair, the most exciting scandal of which they're adroitly dodging (or even milking it for all it's worth), or by being black or having a female veep: who's ventured forth with the most daring break of stereotypicism (Firefox just underlined that in red, alerting me to it not being a word, but if it's not, it should be. I'm keeping it up there.)

I am so sick of hearing CHANGE...MAVERICK...MUSLIM...-GATE of any sort...MAIN STREET...EARMARKS... the list is neverending. Whether I hear it in McCain's stentorian timbres, Obama's thoughtfully rich alto, Palin's abrasive Fargo-esque whine, or Biden's I'm-about-to-lose-my-temper-but-am-modulating-my-tones-through-sheer-willpower rumble, I am so sick of all the pre-scripted, newspeak drivel (no, it's not Orwell's 1984, but I do sense similarities to Animal Farm). Scary? You betcha.

These days when the breath of rabid political commentators from both sides, reeking unabashedly of excremental fanaticism, begins to waft through the air, I take shallow, anti-gag reflex calming breaths, then attempt to make a low-key escape- preferably without being forced to give an opinion on the race. In other words, I use my short stature to my advantage and sneak out quickly, staying under the average bugged out yet beady eye level.

If cornered, my standard riposte: I am a felon, remember? Since my country has assumed that with committing of a crime in one's past there's all of a sudden an inane innate inability to choose one's nation's leaders, I refuse to involve myself intellectually or emotionally in this election: which, since my vote will most certainly NOT count- why bother getting embroiled in heated partisan squabbles? I witness them daily, not only on political forums and/or blogs, but in living rooms and church foyers. In line at the grocery store. At the bank. In fact, I think the only time I haven't heard a word (heated, openly critical, racist/sexist sometimes, or otherwise) about the upcoming election and its various candidates was when I took that last trip into Probation & Parole to get my discharge papers! Oh, the ignorant bliss of the great unwashed...

(And hey, being a former member of that stereotype, I feel fully justified in making such a derogatory comment- after all, for many months I rubbed shoulders with everyone from drug addicts to stockbrokers to child molesters, all reduced to zero status in that pit of lawbreaking humanity; but oh Lordy, LOTS of them could've benefited greatly from a bath and a set of clean clothes. Not to mention a few dozen IQ points... but I digress.)


Anyway, this is how I- and I would be willing to bet, were I a betting man (wait, I'm not a man. But that would screw up the whole cliche were I to substitute "woman" for "man", don't you think? The familiar ring would be gone. I'm leaving it as is. Feminazis, screw you.) Anyway, were I a betting man -doesn't that just sound like a sweet slice of Americana?- I would wager that MOST Americans condense the endless poli-babble they hear on Faux, on CNN, MSNBC, or even online from the various incarnations of news which is that easy to swallow pill for your comfort and convenience, of course... and this is what they hear:

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